After my last post about how delicious doughnuts are my mom commented that I could blame my food obsession on her. Although she makes an excellent point, I’m still going to tell a store about little me, mom, and the gummy bears.
When I was about 5 I woke up one morning and waddled out to the couch. As I lay there watching TV I started itching a small red dot on my chest. I thought it was a flea bite, but the moment I informed my mother of my very itchy — and now on the verge of bleeding — “flea bite” she informed me that it was actually a chicken pox. The next few days were miserable. Being a kid with very little self control and a history of getting attacked by itchy things like poison oak, it took all of my might to not itch the little bumps that now covered the majority of my body. The only thing that kept me in line was my mother’s promise that for every chicken pox that went away I would receive one gummy bear. Every evening I would stand stark naked in our kitchen, my arms spread wide like an airplane, as my mother “inspected” my body. After about 30 seconds of counting under her breath she’d then say something like “today you have 6 less chicken pox” and I would jump for joy, receive my 6 pieces of bounty and be on my way.
If you don’t have the chance to catch chicken pox and stand bare-assed in front of your mom, or any other authority figure that can count them for you, I suggest you move on to some of the other tips for enjoying gummy bears. For example:
Make a Panda Gummy! (I think they used a sharpie for this one . . . don’t eat candies with sharpie on them).
Who knows why but pandas are adorable. Making them, even better.
Create a story- During my freshman year in high school, one of my friends stuck a gummy bear to the ceiling of the student union and it remained their for my entire 4 years, it wouldn’t surprise me if it still is. We liked to say he was a spy, reporting our every move to his bear colony (being an under-engaged creative kid was hard sometimes). They say that you shouldn’t play with your food, but in this case I completely disagree.
and for those with a darker approach…
I’ve never done this next one, but Brendan told me it’s one of his favorite pastimes. For lack of a better way of putting it:
Gummy Mutilations: cutting gummy bears into pieces and then reconstructing them with various other gummy’s parts. Like some mad scientist reenacting The Human Centipede, here’s some of the odd combinations you can create.
Pretend they’re good for you: I know a few of my friends have integrated gummy candies into their adult lives in the form of vitamins (yes they have them for adults too!) and apparently gummy bears can help fight cavities? But let’s be honest, you’re not eating them because you want to be “healthy,” you’re eating them ’cause they’re delicious. Don’t try and kid yourself, my IFK can see through your lies!
Personally I’d like to skip over the pretensions of health and move straight to the phrase “Coated in Chocolate.” Now that’s what I’m talking about!
That’s probably my Inner-Archer.
If you are some kind of crazy health nut on the outside, and refuse to eat processed foods here’s a recipe to make your own gummies from scratch. But I’m telling you, part of embracing you inner fat kid is not working so hard 😛
Happy Friday to you all.
Your fearless IFK leader